the search for a reason to live

By bluemist on January 3rd, 2005

Sometimes I lay down in bed, asking myself, “what on earth am I here for?”. Obviously I don’t normally read books, and so I wouldn’t be inspired even if I read something like The Purpose Driven Life. And so I would ask myself this question, over and over, without completely clearing it all up in my head.

I know there must be some other reason to live, aside from myself or my loved ones. There should be. Sometimes I feel empty, as if all the things I do are pointless.

When thinking about “the reason to live is for myself”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. You know, as if I am nothing, I can just let my time stop, think about nothing, and make myself useless in an instant. And for all I care, I don’t care what happens to me, really. As if there would be no reason to live. As if I don’t need myself to live at all.

When thinking about “the reason to live is for others”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. The only possible reason is for ‘repay’. I would need to repay my parents the equivalent happiness that they gave me. But really, do I need to repay? I’m just deciding it all by myself, trying to equalize happiness to happiness. But they could ‘not need’ my happiness. They can get it from others right?

Thinking about it, it seems that everything I do with my life is useless.

No I’m not suicidal over here, I am again thinking about things without any emotions. Right now, as I type my mind and convert them into words, I feel neither happiness nor sadness. Yet another out-of-body experience, as if I’m looking at myself in third person.

So, I ask again, what the hell am I here for?

I would also want to question God lately. Or maybe I would rather question the religion I belong in. No really, with all these disasters and whatnot, it really seems as if we are relying on God too much, and in a very subtle but dangerous way, slowly losing faith on him.

Example. When I was young, I have never heard of a person that says, “God sometimes gets angry” whenever we meet a disaster or something like that. In a mild, indirect way, people say that “God is testing our faith”. But nowadays, and more than ever evident today because of the tsunami disaster, people would say, “God got angry at us”. And more worse is, “There is no God”.

I have said it before and I will say it again: are we losing our faith? Faith in God? Faith in ourselves? Which faith are we losing? Or do we not have that faith in the first place? After all these questions that never get any answers, the next question would be the same thing I’m asking right now, “what the hell am I here for?”

In desperate search for an answer, which I know may not exist in this lifetime, I merely reflect… and forget. Seemingly running away isn’t it? Let me create a scenario why I think sometimes everything I do in my life is useless.

What if suddenly I got tired of my life? I just wanna stop. I didn’t mean dying, just stop… growing up. Stop trying to study lessons which I now think as stupid. Stop watching shows and entertaining myself. Stop learning about the basic essentials that would be useful when I grow up. In other words… what if suddenly I don’t wanna grow up anymore? So now I have no possibility of graduating and getting a job. But what is it for? I only get money from a job. What else? The basic needs of a human are food, clothing, shelter. I can get those easily from everyone I know. Now I’ve become a parasite for the rest of my life. Now, finally, it really seems that everything I do with my life is useless. Because I can basically depend on others in order to live. The rest of my life, I will live like this. End of scenario.

Please so find a loophole in that scenario, because there are none that could be possibly thought of. You, the reader, may think that scenario will not work because someday there would be no one to depend on. I say no, even complete strangers could be depended on. The scenario, me in that scenario, can continue to live without growing up, merely taking in basic needs (food, clothing, shelter), never having to worry about studies, jobs, anything else.

Wow. I just created the perfect scenario for the lazy guy, some failure guy who never really liked what he is doing right now, whatever he is doing. He can just stop.

I want to contradict my own scenario creation, but I can’t. The reality of life is that there are too many ways to live. In fact, in every person born also born is a way or path to life. No two paths could ever be created equal, unless God desires it to be. But the limits of the human mind, my mind, couldn’t think of a path of life identical to another. My scenario can still be divided into multiple posibility life paths. For example, if a person abides by my scenario, he may die easily, because there is a chance that no one stranger would be taking him in, giving him the basic needs of a human. In another life patch, a person may be lucky enough to follow my scenario and live with the basic needs of a human, after being adopted by a sort-of Good Samaritan. In fact, my scenario, a variation of it, may be lived by a person right this very moment. Someone who just lost it, his reason to live.

Am I veering away from the subject? Inserting faith, religion, human needs… etc? I hope you would still bear with me. I hope you, the reader, are still reading this article. You can quit reading and hell I care.

And so, is there really a need to find a reason to live, when in life you can render yourself worthless, useless, and yet still live? Some humans have their pride.

Is it for themselves? Some people want to be successful in life. But really, what does success mean? Especially in these desperate times? Nowadays, it doesn’t matter if you are a movie star or just some bum in the street. Basic rule in life: everybody is equal. You can be a movie star and be unlucky enough to die in a vacation resort due to a tsunami. You can also be a bum in the street and be lucky enough to find out that people are giving help to you everyday in terms of giving you food or clothing. Everybody is equal. And so, why do people still strive to find a reason to live?

Is it for others? Again, I said that other people can find their happiness with other people. It doesn’t necessarily need to come from that person who lost their way.

And so I find myself running around in a circle. Well, I will try to break this circle right now.

But really, the only way to break the circle is NOT thinking about it anymore. So I will shut up now…

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No seriously. I started something, and it should end with me too. So let’s find the real answer. I don’t know if I can find the real answer as I think and type these words randomly, but please do share the experience with me. Maybe it will be life changing for you, maybe you’ll find this article too corny or pointless. Again I say, people are different. As for me, don’t worry, really. These are mere thoughts to me.

First and foremost, let’s start with God. God created us, and so we ask a basic question, “Why?”. Why did He create us? Let’s make that question complex… why did He create us to live in this world? Now let’s make that question a little more morbid. Why did He create us to suffer? Obviously, we won’t know the answer, in all of our lifetimes. We can’t even reach God normally. Only in miracles and extreme faith do God exist in our senses. But technically He always exists in our hearts, right? In this way, God makes us feel… happy that we are alive, even if we don’t know his ultimate reason or purpose for giving us our lives. Happiness is the keyword.

Now, we look into ourselves. What makes us happy? Money? Power? Love? Basic needs of humans? No really, so I need to ask? Maybe the question answers itself. The reason why we search for a reason or purpose to live, is because it makes us happy, whatever reason it is. Well, happiness is the keyword again.

Finally, we look into our loved ones. There may be no reason or purpose to equalize the happiness they bring to us, but we just do. We give happiness to them because in effect it makes us happy as well. Again, happiness is the keyword.

What does this analysis entail? The reason or purpose of life… is to be happy. And at last, I hope to answer the question:

What on earth am I here for?
- To be happy that God is here for us.
- To be happy in my own life.
- To express and give that happiness to others.

Am I satisfied with that answer? Maybe, for now. Life has plenty of time, and possibilities. And so maybe sooner or later I can find a better answer to that question.

What do I get from answering a question? Simple. How to apply what I have learned in life itself.

But that, again, is a question in itself.

Really, life is seemingly in circles.