Alone

By bluemist on December 8th, 2008

I’ve gone to the point where I care less what people think, and at the same time worried on what people think. It’s this impossible duality that boggles my life lately. I have this unbearable feeling that, because of so many factors, I may have forgotten an important human feeling. Hmm… that sounds Skip Beat-ish.

With my inherent weakness in dealing with people, I am unable to control the world around me. I would always think a lot. Worry a lot. Trouble myself a lot. Sometimes I wish I could read minds, because I can’t finalize my decisions on my own if I don’t have the big picture. Maybe I’m just a computer that needs input in order to give output. I can’t do anything on my own.

I am not an otaku. I don’t lock myself in my room. No matter how I wished to be alone, I am not. But in being so, I am hurting, because I’m sure that whatever I do, it would reflect to the ones close to me. If I have a tainted reputation, the reputation of my family, my friends, other people I know, may be tainted because of me. Am I thinking too outward? Or am I trying to just lose the burden on me, thinking only of myself? If I have a tainted reputation, I could care less, but still want to be happy. Me me me. Am I thinking too inward?

This blog was, to a certain extent, a vital outlet of my emotions. I was, and still am, thankful for the few views and comments. At some point, for some reason, I wanted to know more. I wanted to put faces in, meet a few bloggers in real life, look at what makes them tick. I lurk heavily on their blogs, their twitters, their sites, in the hopes of getting myself closer to them, because in the end, I am mostly alone. Even with my real friends, I feel alone. Even with myself, I feel alone. And despite my hope for closeness, I sometimes turn away with a (Shinji) hedgehog dilemma. I just hurt myself in the process.

Now I’m losing everything. Look how empty this space is. If this post won’t have comments, how would I feel? Further into darkness? The problem is not just this blog not being updated often. This blog is an extension of what is really happening in my life. I’m not “updating myself”. I’m not moving from this spot. I’m not changing. This seems comfortable. But in the end, I worry about myself. This is not about love anymore, this is about life. How, despite my desire for change, can’t just start anything that easily.

I won’t try to put on a fake mask anymore. Beyond sweet words, lol expressions, emo thoughts, whatever the season is. In the end only true feelings matter.

I am lonely.

Would you share in my loneliness?

“I fear the turning of the pages, the difference of the new. In the end, I refuse change, no matter how much I desire it”
– myself

31 Comments

Posted By: ghostlightning On: December 08, 2008 At: 10:53 am

Hi bluemist! It’s good that you’re actually reaching out.

Obviously I’m quite extroverted. But let me tell you that prior to my starting We Remember Love I’ve been slowly losing touch with people.

When I did start blogging, I made it a point to meet you guys, because any communication I make is really participatory. You have my number. Message me. I know you live quite far from us, but maybe we can do stuff together with other bloggers – or you could just meet my friends and (re)watch anime. No need to rush. We can just discuss things, whatever they are.

Posted By: lolikitsune On: December 08, 2008 At: 10:55 am

I’m not the most uh… sympathetic person, I guess… but here’s my best shot, take it in the mouth—I mean, CLENCH THOSE TEEHT—I mean, fuck. I screwed up.

Look man. True feelings = TT

You don’t need that crap. You are / Not Alone (and I don’t mean in the Shinji sense). You don’t need to associate with people in real life or understand how they “tick” in order to share good times with them and revel in that. At least, that’s what I’ve found, after many years of solitude and misanthropy.

Srsly, dude?

I can’t say “awww your worries are unfounded” because I’m one of those dudes that doesn’t follow your blog super-closely. I don’t check to see if there are new posts, I don’t follow your RSS, I don’t look at how many comments you get. But I still read your blog from time to time. Older posts of yours. You’ve got something to offer. You’re still offering it, I’m sure, I’m just behind on the times.

And you’re not the only lonely one (thankfully or not thankfully—not sure). I’ve been having a hard time since all my friends went off to college, leaving me to work a well-paying but BORING AS FUCK job for my semester off, and since my dad stopped being my friend, etc. If you want someone to be lonely with, I’m right here wondering how to cheer us both up.

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:06 am

@ghostlightning
Thank you.
It was a good idea to meet, because I kinda needed some much-needed inspiration, and a refreshing view I don’t see often. As I said, I’m tired of my mundane life, but I don’t have enough fight in me to divert a lot.

@lolikitsune
Thank you.
“If you want someone to be lonely with, I’m right here wondering how to cheer us both up.” – Very real. I ask a lot of questions, in the end my answers come in questions too. If anything, I feel a tad better because we have a bit of the same problem, not sure if that’s a good or bad thing for either of us. A crying crowd may never stop crying, after all.

Posted By: suguru On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:14 am

All I can say is ganbatte and from my own experience it really does get better. I remember in my early 20s after college, plugging away at my job and thinking when I got back to my apartment at night that I wasn’t growing/changing anymore, I’d probably live the rest of my life alone, die alone, and get buried at a funeral no one shows up for, etc., etc…but there’s something to the old saying “it’s darkest before the dawn” and as I’m typing this my newborn daughter is sleeping away a couple feet away from me. If you’d told me I’d be sitting here looking at a six-pound miracle 10 years ago I’d have given you odds of 1% or less, but here I am. Since you have the desire to move forward and the openness to talk about it, I really think you’ll be fine. If I’ve learned anything in the last 35 years, it’s that talking with other people about your problems, even when you feel like you’re being irrational, really does help. Everyone has felt alone at some point in their lives, you’re definitely not alone at that.

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:18 am

@suguru
Thank you.
I guess the next logical step is to open myself up beyond the internet. I hope I could find someone to talk with in real life. Kinda ruining the festivities of Christmas though.

Posted By: Ryan A On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:25 am

I am unable to control the world around me

This is where we depart from … FLY YOUNG MAN! When you feel the negative, absorb it, let it run though you my friend, and stand up in the sunlight on a random day, breath deep. You are living.

Not that living is the greatest thing, but feelings, good and bad, are part of it. We get lonely. I’m lonely, closed within my memories… terrible, blissful, painful, and beautiful. You’ll live more than once… each moment in time is a new you.

Being so far away I’m afraid the only thing I can do is just say, it’s okay. Simply believe you’ll wake up one day and feel the whole world pass straight through you, and don’t fight it … we cannot control the world, nor should we, but if we can find the proper rivers and streams, we can enjoy it just a little more.

You are alone … so search for people. Look others in the eyes, and say hello, or simply wave at a stranger. People are there, they can/will acknowledge you.

See ^_^ … we are here.

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:33 am

@Ryan A
Thank you.
When I feel the negative, I absorb it and it stays for a while. I need some of that positive powaa. Eye contact is one I should train myself with again. Maybe Japan dumbed me down because when I went there they have some weird no-eye-contact social policy even amongst themselves.

Posted By: lolikitsune On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:38 am

Yo bluemist, re: Ryan’s comment re: eye contact, waving, strangers—think about Akari from Aria and ask yourself, “what would she do?”

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:40 am

@lolikitsune
Didn’t watch Aria. Punish me to oblivion.

Posted By: lelangir On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:40 am

Hi, I recently found out about you after you started following me on twitter –

– I can relate to you a lot. Really, there’s pretty much no one I can relate to really well in real life, save for a handful of late-middle aged professors O_o.

At first, the tone of this post was quite dreary, it reminded me of my life, though and oddly I would recommend Dr. lolikit’s (ph.D. in lolikitean) advice: suck it up, after so many years of relative solitude, you reach a point where you say “I really don’t give a fuck anymore”. That’s when I really embraced teh internetz. That was four years ago – I wanted to be a music major (a composer, LOL) then. Like suguru, four years ago I’d have never known I’d end up where I am now. Where will the next four years take me? I haven’t the slightest clue! – but that’s what’s fun about life.

Time goes by fast…but it goes very slow too. Cherish your teenage years – I’m nearly 20 and I feel old as hell, but realize I’m quite young.

Then the tone got a lot brighter.

“When you feel the negative, absorb it, let it run though you my friend, and stand up in the sunlight on a random day, breath deep. You are living.”

Real true. Absolutely.

I guess that’s all I can say…
just…
hang in there.

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:48 am

@lelangir
Thank you.
I’m a bit older, hopefully I can still call myself young. “I’ve been to paradise, but never been to me” relates to me (not the whole song). Sometimes I fail to cherish all the stuff I hurled myself to (including the 1-year Japan life). Hey I tried to be a musician too (the piano/keyboard), but didn’t pursue it as much. Hopefully I’d direct myself in a clear path to ‘wherever’ this time.

Posted By: kanzeon On: December 08, 2008 At: 11:51 am

You’re really not alone. I’m having problems too. I have RL friends, but they don’t seem to be that interested in anime as much as I do (maybe except for one or two), so I just hide that hobby from them… With that, I feel alone too and I don’t even know myself to the point that I don’t know if I’m being the real “me” when I’m hanging out with them. Other than that, I broke up with my boyfriend, I’m taking college entrances here and there, and I’m very busy at school.

My blog is really my paradise, I must say, because it is only where I could type in everything. You should too, feel free to scream and rant anywhere. I created my blog because if my real life suck, I can escape from it temporarily. It feels awesome. Lol let’s both cheer up 😀 Good luck and hang in there!!! Positivity will keep you going on 😀

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 12:00 pm

@kanzeon
Thank you.
Yep I wanna relaunch this blog to its former greatness! I can never just quit this. Still has pride (if any) as one of the oldest anime bloggers out there. For me, it’s both an escape and a self-reflection.

Posted By: biankita On: December 08, 2008 At: 12:44 pm

believe or not, we’re technically the same. working from home and prefers the solitude of being in my room reading or watching something online. so to speak, my RL social life is shot to hell while my online social life thrives. but i figured, how different is that? just because a lot of my online friend are in SG or MY or in the US doesn’t mean they’re not friends and that you’re totally alone. so i just make a point of meeting with the PH bloggers like you, ghostlightning, usagijen and hazy_undercover whenever i can.

“I’m sure that whatever I do, it would reflect to the ones close to me”
this is just not true. that’s why it’s called a reflection. the people around you are affected and concerned because when you look at them, you see a reflection of their concern for you.

i’m really bad at consoling people. i avoid it as much as possible. but cheer up. enjoy the things you like – if blogging gives you zen, good for you. i hope to read more of your stuff.

Posted By: ghostlightning On: December 08, 2008 At: 12:46 pm

@lolikit

>>hink about Akari from Aria and ask yourself, “what would she do?”

WIN. I need to get a copy of ‘the natural’ nao

Posted By: Ryan A On: December 08, 2008 At: 1:12 pm

on ARIA … Be the Akari ARIA is there to adore at times like these ^^

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 1:46 pm

@biankita
Thank you.
When I met you and the others, I thought you were particularly outgoing and I think to myself “what the hell am I missing not being this talkative!” I guess we all have our own quirks and demands in life and in what we are aspiring ourselves to be. As for me, I want myself out of whatever hellhole I am right now.

And, I should really watch ARIA now.

Posted By: lolikitsune On: December 08, 2008 At: 1:48 pm

@Ryan A @ghostlightning:

Gentlemen, allow me to point you toward … Mizunashi Mode.

Srsly, highly recommended show for your bluemist, there’re some good things to be learned from it.

Posted By: CalAggie On: December 08, 2008 At: 1:56 pm

I guess I experienced something similar a year ago when I had a small room apartment near my college but didn’t have a car (did have a bike, though). I didn’t care for many of the people in my building but I did feel welcome when volunteering down at the university radio station, even when there was nobody down there as I could always discover music I’d never heard before, and when attending the twice weekly anime club meetings. I still feel alone at times but seem to be able to occupy my time satifactorily by listening to podcasts, reading, playing games, etc.

Think about which pursuits bring you personal fulfillment or, at the very least, provide entertainment and joy – that would be a good start in overcoming an emotional rut. I hope this will not become a lasting one for you.

Posted By: Koji Oe On: December 08, 2008 At: 3:40 pm

Oh Bluemist, you are just as emo as I am.

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 3:47 pm

@CalAggie
Thank you.
Well I kinda lost my likehood for anime lately, and that contributed to less self-fulfillment and stuff.

@Koji Oe
Thank you.
As I always say, emo is the new moe~.

Posted By: 0rion On: December 08, 2008 At: 3:56 pm

Well, as others have said I’m simply terrible when it comes to giving consolation. As a pretty long time reader of this site, though, I figured I should at least give my regards to help show solidarity, or something. =D

And hey, while I’m no psychologist or expert by any stretch…going so far as to bare your soul and openly admit to something you struggle with, inviting others to help you is, I imagine, a good first step in the process of overcoming that struggle.

Posted By: xau On: December 08, 2008 At: 5:18 pm

For me, the feeling of loneliness is not new either. There are more people out there who are alone than you think.

Posted By: bluemist On: December 08, 2008 At: 5:22 pm

@0rion
Thank you.
Opening myself certainly felt refreshing. Like some heavy burden on my back lifted.

@xau
Thank you.
Of course, such is life’s unfairness. There are people worse off than me and yet I feel regretful for my own. I realize I’m lucky to be blessed with more comforts than others but I don’t know if I really appreciate them.

Posted By: novice101 On: December 09, 2008 At: 1:37 am

“I can’t do anything on my own.” Not true – you have survived till today – that’s not a bad achievement!

We are all sharing your loneliness, we are all reading your post. Don’t dwell on this feeling, let it comes and just let it go.

Posted By: Martin On: December 09, 2008 At: 2:39 am

I think this is a common feeling – you aren’t alone in feeling lonely, if that makes any sense at all. Hell, I live on my own, my social life is limited (a combination of full time employment, living in a small town and not having much money to go out and socialise) and the only people I interact with on a daily basis are my work colleagues.

As long as I have my small circle of friends and stay in regular contact with my family I seem to be okay – I guess I’m not as dependent on regular social interaction as most people, although I wish I ‘could get out more’. It’s down to how much of an extrovert/introvert you are I guess.

It’s good to see you being so honest about this though – that’s what a blog is for, after all – expressing your thoughts.

Posted By: Zeroblade On: December 09, 2008 At: 3:24 am

I’m wondering if being with friends and talking nonsense with them is really what I am; perhaps it’s just an outer facade to mask my inner, much less extroverted self. Am I really this way? Or am I just lonely and isolated inside like many others?
And hey if the comments above are an indication, you’re not alone.

Posted By: nippu_chan On: December 09, 2008 At: 11:01 pm

Once you understand what loneliness feel like, you know that friends and families are priceless. So don’t ever let them go.

Posted By: DaFool On: December 10, 2008 At: 4:16 am

I have two outlets: travel, and hobbies.
I plan to be somebody in those fields, and when you become influential, you naturally gain friends.

Unless you’re already 40 or 50 years old, you are not yet in the prime of your life. The twenties and early thirties are truly the shittiest years, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise… if they do they usually are drunk a lot else born with a silver spoon, or are geniuses to start corporations at such a tender age.

At least you’ve met the other online English-speaking Filipinos. I’m a 28 years old hermit and live in Quezon City and work in Makati. In case you might want to meet me you should also know I think the Philippines is a shitty country and I’m only living here because it’s cheap and all other English speaking nations such as the U.S. are going to the shits.

My brother is a hikikomori and NEET though not an otaku. I’m the hardcore otaku although I have a job. I realized that I’m a ‘builder’ and right now there’s nothing to ‘build’ so I’m just twiddling my thumbs waiting for the collapse of civilization so I can start fresh building a new one. (the theory goes since the time of Rome that the generation that sees the rise of feminism in that culture will see the end of that culture. That’s because feminism is always accompanied by sexual liberation, and if women are liberated, then men are liberated as well and would spend their energies f***ing rather than building _cool_ _shit_ like they do when there’s no easy sexual opportunity. Just look at how the U.S. industrial base is collapsing.

If anyone’s going to found a new country or self-sustaining island I’m so there to lend my expertise. In the meantime I’m a member of the ghost nation.

Don’t waste your energies looking for love. No sane woman will like your current emo self. Train in your field and become really good and hopefully rich then women will flock to you. Don’t believe in true love or ‘soul mates’ bullshit. Everyone is their own unique individual who has their own journeys in life so there’s just no way you can be perfectly aligned in everything. Not to mention that with love, the current sellers market will become a buyers’ market pretty soon as the economic outlook worsens.
http://www.forbes.com/2006/02/11/economics-prostitution-marriage_cx_mn_money06_0214prostitution.html

In a way I’d have to congratulate you, bluemist… you’ve fully adopted the existential mindset which prior to globalization has only existed in the minds of white men. I fully understand and respect the heterosexual white male individualist mindset now more than ever… the power to transform this ‘ultimate’ form of existential loneliness into transformative power that builds civilizations and creates cool stuff.

In the end, it’s just you, the Earth, and God. Friends, they come and go. Family, even. And women especially. So screw them all. So you just have yourself, Earth, and God. What are you gonna do? Build shit! That’s right. Make some cool stuff and be good about it.

The end.

Posted By: AnimeVocalist On: December 15, 2008 At: 3:50 pm

I am going through a difficult time too. I used to call these two of my friends ‘bros’ but they are no longer my bros. It is because of the carelessly done money problems and issues… I think there’s a fine line between persons even though you might consider them like your family. When I was maintaining that fine line, we were like the best friends…but we crossed that fine line and hurt our feelings and I don’t think I can bring it back. I used to be very outgoing person but no longer am. Quite disappointed how this world goes but I am still not giving hope! I guess I am still young and I would learn from this experience that next time, I won’t make it 🙂

cheers

AnimeVocalist

Posted By: Unforgiving Reality On: December 26, 2008 At: 10:22 am

We live in a world where sometimes physical pain is a whole lot better than emotional pain. You know why? Because unlike physical pain, it can’t be healed by simply letting time deal with it. You have to make the best of the wound that you have and heal it up by applying the right treatment. Sure there isn’t a source to call “The pit of despair” and find the right therapist to talk to but it’s more of a spawning from your inner self depression.

I, too, deal with the pain of loneliness. It’s because I don’t expect people to understand me. They’re all ignorant fucks. All first base judgment and then act as if they already know what they are like. Which is why my hatred for humans grow everyday. They mistake me as an insane psychopath. I ain’t. I’m just misunderstood because of the shit I went through.

Sadly, I’m the same as you and the only thing I’m turning to is hatred and anger. It’s the only thing I look up to because no one is going to try to reach out. It’s either themselves or me. Frankly, they prefer themselves. Which follow the quotes “Every man or woman for himself!”

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