My hands are starting to deteriorate.

I’m going through a phase that is drastically endangering my usual way of life. I have a physical ailment in my arms or hands that I’m trying to heal by going through physical therapies. It’s been months, and multiple trips to the doctors, yet it remains. It’s affecting me personally and professionally. It’s hard, even trying to type this now. It’s exhausting, my hands feel different and they tire easily.

I still have a lot more ahead, yet I don’t realize the consequences of growing old until now. Maybe it’s too much video games. Maybe I’m too engaged in my work. In any case, it has lead to this, and I have no way to turn back time. There are now chains in my hands, and they are heavy. Everything I do with it – every word I type, every movement I make, seems now too important. I have to treasure every moment, because I don’t know when the next set of chains will come, and I wouldn’t know if I will have the strength to carry the burden.

I have to keep this short because I have to rest, but I hope, being the Easter season and all, that you would include me in your prayers. Rest assured though that I’ll never give up. I have to get through this. I have done, built, survived so much with these hands. I will get through this.

(But nope, this will not stop me from my April Fools post. Hopefully tomorrow.)

Longing for something to happen, yet realizing that the reality around us would never make that happen, makes me think as if the world has betrayed me. It is a hopeless and helpless feeling, but there is no escape from it. Days pass by and it would seem like nothing. The daily grind would leave me numb, innocent, and ignorant of what’s supposed to matter. This is why I exist, here, in this blog. This is why I am in the internet, where at the very least, there are avenues where I can still cry out and shout about everything that I think sucks about my life. But as time passes by, and time does, relentlessly at that, that space where I can still cry privately is shrinking. At some point, there is a threshold to my tolerance of reality. Sometimes, I just give up and say “enough of all this crap.” When this happens, there will be times when I start believing in things that don’t exist.
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Who am I?
And who do you think I am?
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If I see you in my dreams, were you really that important?
Or “are” you really important? At least, in another universe.
This was a question that popped in my mind when I started recollecting that dream.
That dream I had of you. You stepped into my conscious and declared your love for me.
With a gift that transcended the history of my past.
You held it in your bosom, and shoved it into me as if it came from your heart.
I met you after college, but this gift was a memory from my high school.
That is the mystery I started to explore.

What if the reality I experience now can transcend to another reality?
And that dream represents that other reality
The other reality that I may have met you in high school
And you confessed to me after college.

As I wake up from that dream, I instantly felt happy.
Though sad as it was only a dream.
The reality is much much different.
This reality we’re in, where you friendzoned me 4 years ago.

I have not seen you since. I only see you in social media.
But you were as wonderful as before.
And you were as wonderful as in my dream.
Therefore you are as wonderful in that parallel world.

I wish we could transcend time and space.
So that I can travel to that alternate universe.
Or even if it’s impossible, let me live through this life with proof… that alternate universes do exist.
With all the possibilities of experience, consciousness and existence.
That an alternate “me” can exist, with an alternate “you”.
So that at the very least, even with this miniscule and weak existence of mine in this world.
I can take pride in saying that I had you in a dream.
I had you in that universe.
And we were there.

If I am Chihaya...

I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side and give me support
And in return she’ll get my support

She will listen to me when I want to speak
About the world we live in and life in general

Though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out, and won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking in fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all she will understand me

I want somebody who cares for me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like

I don’t want to be tied to anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of those things
But when I’m asleep I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderly

Though things like this make me sick
In a case like this I’ll get away with it

Since this is more or less confirmed already, might as well say it.

I’m going to Japan. Again.

It will only be under a week this time, I’m just going back there as a tourist. But I’m treating it as some sort of a major event. I left so many unfinished business and, er… emotional baggage over there during my whole year of stay back in 2006-2007. It’s been quite a while since then, and so I wonder if I’ll gain anything, or learn anything, from this possibly rare opportunity. It could be nothing more than a vacation trip. Or it could be a pivotal moment of my life.

I’ll be going there with friends, so I’m kinda limited to the survival strategy schedule that we had planned as a group. This trip will be sightseeing, not otaku-trekking, like some part of me would have wanted it to be. In fact, Akihabara schedule time is only 4-5 hours – that’s horribly short if you want to see and buy tech stuff, much less if you want animu stuff instead. Thankfully, we’ll go to places I haven’t gone to during my one-year stint, like temples. I’ll discover new things about Japan again, so… let’s photo!　なので。。。

(Tamayura probably won’t appear for digital cameras)

It will be a trip of nostalgia. I will visit my friends and acquaintances. I will visit my old office. I will visit the places I’ve been to. I will try to relive that life I had, all over again. It’s because of that year that I have continual vested interest in anime, games, music, and many other aspects of Japanese culture. Not only just that, it’s because of that year that I have grown up (a bit) as a person. I learned to cook. I learned to live (almost) independently in an apartment. I started my work there and learned how to approach my career path. I also learned how to lov—— (enough about that). Even just for a year, my life in Japan was one of the most colorful. The experiences I had there defined me, and continues to define me even to this day. The good times, the bad times, even the uneventful times, they all became a part of me.

If there were a chance to do it all over again, I will have to take the peek through this little vacation trip of mine. There are things that I want to improve on. There are things I want to think about how to be. There are things I want to reevaluate. My life still has the next phase or two ahead, and I want to know if I’m on the right track. But more than reliving the past or looking into the future, I want to enjoy the present moment as much as I can.

Hmm, I’ve been churning out embarrassing remarks that shouldn’t be allowed, so let me rephrase it this way: WHO CARES ABOUT MELANCHOLY AND REMINISCING… I’M GOING BACK TO JAPAN YEAAAAAAAAA~!! I should be there during the week of BD release for the second movie of Macross Frontier, and (sadly) before the release of THE IDOLM@STER 2 game for the PS3, so I’m sure Akiba would be filled with posters of those. Not as if I’m going to buy either. Suggestions would be welcome on what kind of simple animu stuff to buy – I am honestly not a merchandise collector so I’m not too big on those things. I would definitely get a Vocaloid album or two, I already have a DECO*27 so my targets are doriko and 40mP albums, or maybe a Miku/Gumi compilation. In terms of tech I’m still on the ropes about a 3D/120Hz PC monitor, which should bring the absolute smoothness to my computing and gaming visuals. Remind me not to go overboard because I barely have tens of thousands of yen to spend. Train fares will be a particular pain. Oh how much has changed. When I was in Japan I could barely think about how train fares cost, nor “where I was going” (lol I went to random places by train back then).

Anyway, one more time, one more chance. This is it. My body is ready, and I’m lady. This is me, signing off for now, and hoping to have the best trip of my life so far. Japan, welcome me back. ただいま。