I know you’re probably there, reading my whole alternate life. I know you can be so smart sometimes. That was one of the things I liked about you.
I’m not sure either why I’m writing this, you are probably not reading this anyway after the initial shock of realizing my alter-ego. Yes, this may be a weird hobby, especially to you, a well-bred, well-educated person mindful of things that really matter in life. But this is how I deal with the circumstances. My self-preservation. My fallback. When I met you, I was almost about to quit this, because I have found new inspiration. Of course, the odds were close to none and I knew that all along. It was all me, this one-sided, unrequited feeling.
You may not know but I was happy, even if I was rejected. But I should ask, why did you change after that? Why did I suddenly feel like I lost a friend? You promised, you ‘swore’ to be normal. You were not. I was trying my best here, to the point I closed my heart completely just to keep hush on the situations, leaving it like it never happened. You saw me smile, laugh, and talk to you just like before. But I saw your eyes never wander towards me anymore. You wouldn’t even talk to me unless situations demand. Tell me who was wrong. Was it me who just wanted to say how I felt… and nothing more? I wasn’t wrong, or I don’t know where I was wrong.
But I can’t blame you, I can’t say you were wrong, I can’t be angry at you, I can’t even know your real side. In fact, I shouldn’t care anymore. By the end of this writing, any feelings I have left for you would have gone. I think that should leave you satisfied right? We go our separate ways, as it may have always been. My sails have been cast in a different direction. People might say I am a weakling, a wuss, a loser for expressing this indirectly through this writing, but if they only knew how hard I tried to make things normal. If you only knew how hard I tried to make things normal. I should consider that my shining moment.
Whatever things I can be sorry about… I apologize for that. But I won’t apologize for my feelings. Those were real. Nothing moe~ can ever replace it.