Longing for something to happen, yet realizing that the reality around us would never make that happen, makes me think as if the world has betrayed me. It is a hopeless and helpless feeling, but there is no escape from it. Days pass by and it would seem like nothing. The daily grind would leave me numb, innocent, and ignorant of what’s supposed to matter. This is why I exist, here, in this blog. This is why I am in the internet, where at the very least, there are avenues where I can still cry out and shout about everything that I think sucks about my life. But as time passes by, and time does, relentlessly at that, that space where I can still cry privately is shrinking. At some point, there is a threshold to my tolerance of reality. Sometimes, I just give up and say “enough of all this crap.” When this happens, there will be times when I start believing in things that don’t exist.
Last year, I thought I had decided that my resolve will not be shaken. I would fly out my own way in this uncertain sky. Turns out, this was actually a one-way journey, and it would be very difficult to turn back in case I made a mistake. Indeed, now I’m thinking that I made a mistake, or rather, I’m starting to regret this decision. I was too self-conscious, too confident that I am correct with my assertions of the world. I despised it, dared undermine it into just a series of illogical mirrors of social behavior. I ignored it, concluding that it generates too much noise for me to care. Now I realized the ramifications, the results, the effect of my way of thinking. So I was in yet another gathering with relatives. Yes, this was the usual noise that I hated. It’s a weekend, and after a hard-week’s work one would want to be alone and rest right? Somehow, there is something within myself that’s expecting the usual social chatter. “How are you?” “you’re still as handsome” “You still don’t have a girlfriend?” “Blah blah blah” Yes, those hard-hitting talks that I always dispose of with a smile or laugh. In this particular gathering… almost nothing of that sort happened. Good. That’s good right? Nobody annoyed me with their stupid questions. Nobody.
I realized this question. What if nobody annoyed me with their stupid questions… anymore? This thought somehow scared me. This was supposed to be my ideal picture of myself. This is EXACTLY what I wanted. Yet somehow… it scared me. I was actually getting what I hoped for, yet there is a hint of regret. This is the path I’m flying on. I can see where I’m supposed to go. But somehow, in the corners of my heart, I am longing for at least a rekindling of the realities that I’m separated from. I wanted to look back, the things I missed seeing because I wanted to be alone. The events I never went to because I wanted nothing to do with it. Now that I am achieving whatever I had decided to achieve – I am still good at my work; I am in a healthy condition; I have money; I can enjoy my hobbies the way I want to enjoy them – there is suddenly an emptiness inside.
I am different. There is no going around that. I wanted to be different, and for the past year, decided to be different. But there is a part of me what wants something more different than different, and that means being someone understandable. There is a part of me that wants to share my blessing, yet do not know how. If I don’t want to be asked questions about not having a wife, why not shift the conversation? Why can’t I share how I’m able to make websites or computer programs with my programming knowledge? Why can’t I make them enjoy my anime, my video games, my Vocaloid music? Why are people such impossibly different creatures to me that I can’t relate anymore to them? What in the world do they want me to tell them? Why am I so stubborn in thinking that this world won’t understand me, yet I insist that there should be a world that understands me? Why is it so hard to let go of something that I wanted to let go of in the first place?
In the end, I realized that this facade, this supposed resolve, this decision, this conviction I had… is nothing more than an illusion. I really haven’t decided anything after all, I’m just merely… running away. Yes, I’m running away from the reality. Flying away, towards an indeed uncertain sky that may not exist. I thought I had the power, I thought I had control. But all I had was nothingness.
Was I wrong? Did I really just eye-patch my way through, assuming that there is something special about me that can bloom if I put my entire life to that belief? Did I bandage myself in the arm, showing off all the hard work it got, only to realize that I only hid the true scars of my life? These questions are deep, so deep, that I am scared to answer them. I am afraid to ask my family, my friends, all the people around me… about me. At one point, I’m afraid to ask others “who am I?”, because I might lose “who I am”. That everything right about me was actually wrong. That everything wrong about me was actually real. And that everything about everything was actually nothing at all.
And so I am back to square one.
I’ll have to try again. I have always thought of time as my enemy, but I think it has still left me with something to be optimistic about despite my hatred for it. I have time, I am alive, and I am still flying. If I have to repeat everything again, I would. If I need to turn and look back at the things I ignored, I still can. And if I have to face the true answers, I would have to ask the hard questions. I don’t want to think that I am wrong. I want to believe I am just misled by my ideals. And even if I “am” wrong, I will want to forgive myself. Things don’t have to change overnight, and my decisions still remain. Finally, I hold on into this one belief of mine that I don’t have to justify. I am happy. Even with all these sad and lonely thoughts of mine, I am happy. These are the happiest moments of my life. I am still good at my work. I am in a healthy condition. I have money. I can enjoy my hobbies the way I want to enjoy them. And most of all, I still have the world around me. I still have family, friends, and people. They may have slightly toned down their hard hitting social questions about me, but hey, I’ll take “you’re still as handsome” as a complement. And that’s not an illusion… I hope.