Naritai Jibun

By bluemist on May 7th, 2009

amu4
Sorry, this is not so much about Shugo Chara, as I have been backlogging that series since the first few episodes of Doki disappointed me. Well okay, let’s just say I can relate with Amu-chan in some things, especially the fact that she has some sort of multiple personality issues. When I left the story in the first season, she was conflicted with that fact that she has multiple “would-be selves” represented by 4 or 5 of the Shugo Charas. In due time, I’m about the enter the same phase.

You see, I’m retiring from the job that I had for a few years now, so I am basically leaving myself open for any opportunity. Problem is deciding ‘which’ opportunity to take. This is not an easy decision to make. I have been too accustomed to my often-redundant everydays. Sometimes I feel scared because this will be a drastic change. There will be a lot of questions in my mind, a lot of proposed solutions and a lot of what-if’s as well.

One thing I worry about is the economic recession. This will be the only time that I can feel it hitting straight in my face. It’s not that I’m going bankrupt. Of course I still have the financial backing of my family. But the more I don’t want to rely on them. My parents had their turn to sacrifice for me, and so I have to give something in return. I do not want to disappoint them.

One of my options is going Japanese. I already have a JLPT4 certification, and if I would take that seriously for a couple of years I think I can have the full command of the language right? That sounds like cake but this is definitely not a walk in the park. Even if I pass any Japanese language test it still won’t give me either bragging rights or a good career at anything. I might even tend to say to myself that this Japanese thing is only meant for my otaku tendencies. That won’t take me anywhere in this world.

On the other hand, I am starting with something that I genuinely like. I LOVE JAPAN PERIOD. Well, not as weeaboo-ish as that, but I know enough of the realities that I may want to work and live there. My ambitions are low. Have a decent job there, rent a simple apartment, live a slice of that life. I had previewed it already when I went to Japan for a year. I think I can handle it.

There are other options in my mind, but I need not elaborate on them. Basically, all I can say is that I’m still conflicted. I’m here thinking about my personality, my triumphs, my mistakes, my problems, my experiences, my goals. This is indeed a new circle. I’m trying to gather all my thoughts, some up with some sort of conclusion to this. One simple decision can change my life forever, and I have to be ready to accept it, and someday never look back and regret it.

All this for a simple job change? Heh, you see that I am a deep thinker. Or maybe I take things too seriously. Well, nothing wrong with taking it seriously except a few sleepless nights. I find myself watching an anime or two during those times, and they prove effective medicine to take my mind away from it for a while.

Sometimes I’m too shallow to derive a life lesson from a mere anime, but in this case, Amu-chan is right. It doesn’t matter how many “would-be selves” I may have. It doesn’t matter if I don’t know what I want to be right now. But as long as I keep my heart shining, hopefully and eventually, I can find the true me.

8 Comments

Posted By: ghostlightning On: May 07, 2009 At: 11:35 am

I have a Date Masamune quote for you: GO STRAIGHT.

Don’t be paralyzed by reflection.

Posted By: bluemist On: May 07, 2009 At: 11:58 am

You mean my over-thinking is bogging me down? I see it as trying to find direction instead of going straight ‘aimlessly’.

Posted By: Wavehawk On: May 07, 2009 At: 12:07 pm

All he means is: Don’t outsmart yourself. Set yourself a goal (go to Japan to teach, get a different career, etc) and work toward it.

A person who has no target to hit, misses 100% of the time.

I used to have low ambitions that were easily satisfied by moving to Australia and getting an IT job here. I’ve come to realize that was too short-sighted when my job contract ended in January ’09, leaving me job-hunting (thankfully had the foresight to save money).

Soooo…I guess you can say I’ve come out of the same phase as you, a lot worse for the wear.

Posted By: bluemist On: May 07, 2009 At: 12:13 pm

Well that’s exactly what I’m trying to do, working towards creating a goal. I fear though that my negative-thinking tendencies will get the better of me, and my targets disappear altogether.

Posted By: Wavehawk On: May 07, 2009 At: 12:31 pm

Hell, I’m pessimistic as hell as well. And I have little pity parties at times (term I learned in Australia, and it describes the situation quite well).

I suppose you can try some things that I’ve found helps (even though they sound ridiculous, they generally work):

1.) Write down your dreams/goals on paper. If they’re on paper, you don’t need to mess up your thinking bout them, and the paper will remind you about them. Heck, if one of those written goals is either achieved or no longer a goal, cross it out. Less stress that way than trying to think them through.

2.) Work backwards when you think of a goal. Imagine what your goal is (say, living in Japan), and then think backwards; i.e. see what you need/have to do to get there. (IMHO, you’ve got JPL qualification and you speak/read/write English, so if you want to be an English teacher, that’s certainly a do-able goal).

3.) Remember that energy is 98% of the work. If you don’t have it, be nice. 🙂 Too many people spend all their energy getting mad or frustrated or complaining to actually solve their problems.

4.) Stop trying to hope for a better past.

5.) “Life is too important to be taken seriously.” – Oscar Wilde (something I need to remind myself often). My dad used to tell me I never took life seriously enough (me, the angst-meister I used to be); after his stroke in 2003, he never says that anymore. There has to be something in the world you enjoy, keep that close to your chest and appreciate it.

Hope those 5 bits help–I’m not a perfect, successful person by any means myself, but I can tell people where I’ve gone wrong and what of my mistakes shouldn’t be repeated (and I’ve made tons!)

One last thing: Experience is a rotten teacher. It gives you the punishment before it gives you the lesson. 🙂

Posted By: piyo On: May 07, 2009 At: 10:56 pm

@Wavehawk
I feel like I’ve just read another Positivity Blog post. They also say not to over think. Well I like what you say, especially 3.

@bluemist
Is season two of Shugo Chara worth watching? I really liked season one but I stopped the animu 6 months ago, cuz I gots too much other entertainmentz.

Man, all that effort into Shugo Chara, while Rozen Maiden is just listlessly idling. I am reminded of this awesome MAD video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzE2ZrrPKyc
Come on RM!

Posted By: bluemist On: May 07, 2009 At: 11:27 pm

@piyo
Nope I basically stopped at the same spot as you. I’m wanting to pick it up again but there’s not much drive to do so. I just heard the new season has some lame episodes and that the anime-original character is not as likeable.

@Wavehawk
Thanks for that. I can imagine even myself doing the advising to another person but the hardest part really is to really ‘do’ it yourself.

Posted By: astrobunny On: May 11, 2009 At: 5:09 am

Life does tend to be be full of these things doesn’t it? Things looks worse that it really is sometimes and sometimes it looks better than it really is. piyo is right, overthinking is just another form of procrastination. All that’s needed is taht little push to get yourself moving again.

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